the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
