I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
