trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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