my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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