Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
