My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
