im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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