what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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