I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
