True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
True strength comes from lack of pants
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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