for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
