first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
