listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
