life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
