she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
