How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
