I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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