guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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