At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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