just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
