I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
