im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
