I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
