I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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