i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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