no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
