you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
