I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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