She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
