I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
