You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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