So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
