I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
