I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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