where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
