The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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