herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
