I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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