I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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