i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize