12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
