So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
