i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
