did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
