my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
