I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
