he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
