Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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