there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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