i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
