The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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