I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
