My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
